to heart - try as you will

140th post - memory

2008-06-04T12:14:00.002+08:00

This is the 140th post, I don't think she will ever read this. So much has had happened between us I just stopped contacting you, so save both our sanity ba. Will still think about you from time to time and wonder how you are. I do pray and wish that you be fine and happy.

I guess sometimes when one care for a person it is too overwhelming or weird for him/she. And maybe there was suspicion of ulterior motives. But this is me, and I can say I never wanted to do anything 'bad' to you.

But than say nia ma. Don't believe also like tat lol. Wishing you all the best and maybe what left will only be memories. I wished we could still talk and be friends but I guess its not possible ba. ><

I'm sorry, tat's all I can say. But I always wish for you to be happy, for whatever that may worth

my best chapter

2007-11-16T13:46:00.000+08:00

everytime such ends come, I think of this song cos
wat is an end without some 'Time of Your Life' by Greenday:

'Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.'

If time could turn back, and I can go through it again, even if I cannot change any part of it, I will gladly do so because it was the best time of my life. Ha ha she did complained I only wrote her a poem once only so here goes:

The heart aches,
head full of scenes,
how cruel fate can be,
how unpredictable life is.

left with memories,
the sweet possibilities,
can only look back smiling,
knowing it was great when it last,

letting go,
is inevitable at times,
no matter how bad it is,
cos you love that someone.

I love you,
such simple words,
can contain so much feelings,
it really is what makes us humans.

I love you and that is why I hope things will work out for you, no matter if our paths will meet again, may you be happy k.

-muacks- end of BiFi tag team :)

hullo again

2007-11-14T00:44:00.000+08:00

"hello world", this was the first sentence we had to display using programming during my poly days as an IT student.

When I wonder will I get to see and know the world?

I realise me and FiFi is very similar in some ways, and yet very different in others. We really have been through alot. But it is really one great ride, even with its ups and downs. I guess that's the rhythm of life. Lol!

Is becoming an adult so tiring and demanding? All around me I hear complains of how work sucks, or how people around them sucks, so much stress etc. Is this what life is make of? Dolz

O well happy anni dear! Heh

O.o

2007-11-13T13:12:00.000+08:00

there was once upon a time a boy, who grew up in dreams of fantasies, where strong suave heroes save the day from enemies of all shapes and sizes. It was a time when reality pass by like a flash, but the memories and dreams stay by.

'Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius' - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

History is a good subject, because we have only the past to look back on. Looking back I am suddenly aware that I have changed alot to become the person I am now. Or rather to become the person I know I can be... and more. And reality is so so much more realistic, in which things do not happen, or most of the time it does'nt happen the way you want it to be.

Love can be a fleeting moment, and can disappear so very quickly. It like any other feelings have to be kindled and conjured, and yet unlike other feelings it is more difficult to grasp. Life too is fleeting, only a moment in history, and the reality of life is not exactly what dreams are made of. And I guess life is something that u have to go through with love, because they goes hand in hand.

And the boy dreams on, because dreams are things that are possible, because dreams are what one hopes to achieve, and it is something that is great to continue with. :D

help?

2007-11-07T16:19:00.000+08:00

I am really really lost, moody and doomed. Lol

Really, don't have the energy to do anything, everyday wake up with runny nose and feeling weak. Can't even sleep properly - a case of insomnia + a dad who snores like a bullhorn. And my heart is like damn freaking torn or something, a very bad case of the blues.

How depressing. I think I have not felt this bad since - never?

And there is like totally no way out of this condition, which makes it worse...

Owe it to yourself to do your best

2007-10-19T00:50:00.000+08:00

So many reason, so many excuses I can find and say to explain why, but in the end I know it was not best. Breakthrough after breakthrough, the things that have to be done just seem to keep piling up and you are struck down under. It becomes harder and harder to move, let along crawl out and climb on top the top of things.

I am human. A being who is trying to become. I am very lucky to have so many good things come my way. Of course I had bad shit from time to time, but I am alive and breathing. Sometimes, actually most of the time one becomes so engrossed in 'life' that one can forget how fresh the air can be, and how good it is to be able to breathe in and be nourished.

A light heart is required. When the tough gets going you don't get tougher. Cos you cannot use force against force, it just a battle of strength that will waste alot of energy and perhaps time, leaving you exhausted. Instead, the more shit you have, the more you should be glad that all these is happening because though a smooth ride is great. But it does'nt really do much for you, and getting all tight and stressed won't help at all anyway.

Smile and the world will smile with you. I know its difficult but than, what much choice do we have?

Good days will come, because there is no such thing as bad when you are laughing.

Fortunte Telling

2007-10-16T23:25:00.000+08:00

There is an fortune telling auntie at redhill that our family visits. Or rather my big sister started the trend and both of my sisters are now regular yearly visitors. This year we were suppose to go together but they left me out dolz.

Anyway this redhill auntie is quite scary as the fortunates that she has told for my sisters have had been fairly accurate. Thus winning the trust and respect of my two sisters, who are highly intelligent beings. Hmmm i wonder if I should go this year?

dead man

2007-10-11T23:44:00.000+08:00

I am very glad for the International Kadampa Buddism Festival that happened at Suntec from 3rd-10 Oct 2007. Even though I did not go for all the lessons nor could I understand totally what Venerable Geshe Kelsang Gyatso was saying, but indeed I felt very blessed.And alot or rather nothing seen to go through my mind during the week. It was a feeling of emptiness and yet that little hint of all the things that I had or had not done. And all that I could have done better.

I really wish I can be someone who take things as they are, always ready to smile, happy and at peace with myself. A loving, kind-hearted person who spreads joy all around, ho ho ho.

O well

Life is really filled with uncertainties and surprises. Be glad that at least life have not abandon us...yet.

May everyone stay joyful and every good things come your way. :D

smile

2007-10-01T23:57:00.000+08:00

The hardest thing to do when one is dwn and out is to smile and draw from self the energy to continue. The faith that everything will be alright, because life will always go on heh. You ain't down till you're dead.

Zzzzzz

fate

2007-09-25T23:05:00.000+08:00

at time like this, I guess I never get married. I really don't know, ha ha.

I love FiFi, like I always say, I like the feeling of having her beside me. And she and me are so cute and good together. I was shocked when she say she feel its monotonous or a habit since last week. She don't even say I Love You anymore.

Everything is falling apart for me:
Work - I am totally lost
Studies - I am clinging by the edge
Friends - Everyone busy with their own stuff
Love - What more can I say?
That sense of being beaten back to square one, so familiar.

"Hello again Square One!"

"You again, god how many bloody times you wan to be back here!"

"Ha ha to accompany you O grumpy man."

"Go on and do more, you deserve so."

Heh think I'm going out of my mind.

And all my failure I blame on myself. For whatever 'excuse' I give, I/me am the contributing factor. She can even say that I don't fulfill lot of promises, which is one thing I really am very sad upon because I don't like to give empty promises. Man I am one screw up shit head.

And yet I don't go down without a fight. That is not me, because for whatever its worth, I don't quit. Or at least until the point when I can't take it already, I will keep trying. What happened to all my training lol, I find it really funny that after all I learnt and experienced - I'm still same old me.

Maybe I really am not ready for a relationship. Maybe my fate is like so, to die a broke useless man - like my father. You know that is what I am afraid of, becoming like my dad - a useless man who gives everyone trouble.

I have done alot throughout my life (who have'nt), and I have achieved some results. But they are sadly not enough, I am still not there yet.

This heart of mine is crying, can you hear it?

Maybe I am not meant for love? Maybe I'm defected in some ways - I don't know lei. I tot that's how things are, people just learn and keep trying. I mean if everything can be solved in a moment or if there are no mistakes, than I 'm sure we won't be called humans. And I do believe I have been trying, maybe people can remark that I am not trying my best. But I feel I have been improving and that is the frustrating part - cos reality shows a different picture.

I think I must have lost my mind. Ha ha ha. Maybe I am better off being a loner.

Whatever it is, all I can say is if my relationship falls apart, I LAWRENCE LIN RONGHAO will not look for anyone else. And that's that. Though if you think about it it is quite impossible, but I really now am very shaken. She may be clueless, well I don't even know if I am the right guy for anyone.

haiz

2007-09-14T00:12:00.000+08:00

I can't say much cos whatever I said has jus made things worst. I'm sorry

Happy Anni!!!

BiFi Tag Team

2007-09-10T00:17:00.000+08:00

For me it is very simple. Or maybe you call me foolish. I rather live a simple life with FiFi than to be rich or successful. To me, what is the point of being rich if I don't have someone to share it with me? But on the otherhand, S.E. is a very good place, I can't think of anything better than it - that is why I did not search for a full-time job.

I am a very contented person, and I ask for very little compared to the boys at S.E. That is one of the reason that Mr Ign hit me with an empty Evian plastic bottle, cos I do not need to earn so much $, lol. But than really, lesser money = more things you cannot do. And one reason why I wan to earn LOTS is so that my close ones can have good lives, because they deserve so. Give & Take.

I think FiFi took it in a bad way when i 'psycho' her to join. Actually I rather she don't come and work in S.E empire. I rather that she took a part-time job and get a degree or vice-versa. Maybe even actually work in a place or do something that she likes. Because S.E. really is not an easy place to be in, though a chance like this really do only come once in a lifetime.

When a couple do it together, it really is much easier and the results is double even triple of when a individual does it. But it can break the relationship too. All the couples in Sirius broke up except for two. But than they knew each other in Sirius so maybe it can't be counted. If you want me to be frank, I rather she don't come anywhere near S.E.

But i feel a person definitely must do what he/she likes to do or it serves no purpose and little enjoyment. Also, when you love what you are doing then will you put in the effort and thus a promotion and pay raise will be much more possible too.

Anyway I am confident things will work out because I want them to. No matter what, I won't let go of her hand or allow my close ones to be unhappy. No man's an island, and I won't want to succeed alone.

Shine

2007-08-25T06:50:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I can just be:

passionate and inspired

while other times:

just a lazy potato *blurt*

shine,
like the brightest star in the sky,
that you are meant to be,
lighting the way for others,
just as you have light up mine.

tears will fall,
mouths wide open,
silence in the room,
all in awe,
u be the shining star.

have faith and belief,
if its like what they say,
there is a will there is a way,
let your will be mine,
and my support be your pillar.

I want to believe,
that this world is not gray,
but a colorful place,
full of wonders,
you are wonderful dear.

what more can I say?
I love you nei

bang the wall

2007-08-21T03:16:00.000+08:00

sometimes, actually all the time - shld do the things u gotta do. Else it come bk and bite you real hard.

e.g.
love her as much and as ever
make lots of appts
do my assignments
workout!!!
rest and eat gd (or vice versa)

see life can be so simple. Sigh I wish

Dear I love u k

Love = action = sweetness = bifi happy team!!!

Yolz, Jia Yo X Infinity

oops

2007-08-14T19:11:00.000+08:00

I'm actually feeling gulity because I think dear dear is angry/disappointed due to this afternoon. Dear must believe me ma, how can I possibly forget our anni, especially I am wearing you on my hand. Actually wanted to post this up yesterday nite at 12 am de, but this dammn place closed liao. Don't know which shit head told me genting 24 hr de. Or maybe I just very blur - dun know.

But I must apologise is this afternoon my phone call was not very sweet. I'm sorry cos we were still in the course and the surrounding was very loud. But dear u must believe I love U k. Btw now suppose to be dinner time but i rushed the cafe immediately to post this cos yah:

-what I wanted to write-

Words has always been my forte,
but if you have realise by now,
I don't speak much.
though I act like a clown at times.

But you must believe that,
I do anything to make you smile,
even though at times I'm not even sweet,
I really cannot bear to see you sad for long.

Everytime I see you,
my heart just softens,
and I remember I love you,
and nothing else matter.

I know I am not perfect,
because I am human,
but I really want happiness,
life should be full of the good things.

Dear you becoming my gf is the greatest, best thing that have ever happened to me, and I am still amazed at this miracle call love.

Dear BiFi team 4ever k :D

crampy

2007-08-10T01:21:00.000+08:00

We all have our peaks and falls, up and downs. You know, the better and bummer sides of life.

We can wake up feeling happy, or be hit with utter desire to just stay in bed. The day can pass with one being a sweet happy angel or a black gloom thing walking around. Somedays just ain't easy heh.

But no matter what I will think of her, and I hope she will have me in her heart too. And whatever happens, we can think of the great times and about each other, happy thoughts!!!

Nothing is too big of a shit that I can't handle, and my every happiness is doubled because I have you.

:D

dear dear

2007-08-05T22:18:00.000+08:00

L-O-V-E

I cannot imagine how i was when i was single even though it had only been for 4 months plus, it is so right i can't think of anything different. Heh

It has been a long time since i wrote anything 'lyrical' or 'poetical'. It takes inspiration and the mood ba.

O.o
People around the world,
keep talking about love,
about making love not war,
or that love is all around,
do they know what is it really?

I love a girl,
her name engraved in my heart,
she know me as bibi,
and me call her as my fifi,
we are the bifi tag team!

But love is not easy,
or shall i say,
it can become so complex,
when two logger heads,
don't seem to give way.

Or sometimes its just that,
when you love someone so much,
every emotion is intensified ten folds.
the good days,
and also the bad times.

loving someone is not easy,
being love is an art by itself too,
because the needs and desires,
get mixed up with the pure intention,
of wishing everything good for her.

what is love?
i found my answer in a girl,
and due to her i believe,
i am treating everyone better,
my family, friends and all.

cos love will open your eyes,
and you see things never noticed,
walk in life with a grin on your face,
with joy in every step,
cos love is all around actually.

:P

lol

2007-08-01T12:43:00.000+08:00

This few days i have been very restless. This is so as I feel that I am not doing all that I can. Or that there are things that I can't do as I don't have the ability or network. Oh well bummer. I feel that I must learn to have a balance of putting good stress on myself and taking things as they are, or to do what I must do and just accept things that I can't control happen as they are. Ah for crying out loud, can't things be simpler. Stop berating yourself and just do what you must do. LOL!!!

Life ain't easy nei. But its worth living because of the air, the taste, the smells(good ones that is). And of course my driving forces, the love ones in my life, my dreams and goals, myself.

:) Hope everyone can do what they want to do, be happy always.

B+

2007-07-27T15:40:00.000+08:00

I realise actually B+ blood is quite rare. Within like three months i recieved two sms about ppl who are in nid of B+ blood. I think I should go donate blood soon, who would like to join me? :) I had never donated blood b4, I wonder how it feel like? Lol

Type B
Best Traits:	Wild, a doer, cheerful.
Worst Traits:	Selfish, irresponsible.

did'nt know i was selfish or irresonsible. Lol maybe B+ is add onto the positive like a doer and cheerful. (though i don't think i am very wild.)

Actually why everything will have good or bad? Is it so hard to become perfect? Or are humans just full of flaws walking a long path of hard knocks, stuck between a hard rock and a hard place (like homer simpson)

o well

long vacation

2007-07-26T13:44:00.000+08:00

the PSC is really one hell of a course. I am still me but now I know that I have no more excuses and every reason to do what I want to do, to achieve what I set out to achieve. That I have no excuse for failure.

Everyday is another 24 hours nearer to my goals. Heh

Dear dear very sweet. Read her blog le, actually the connection of the our hands coming together again at the graduation was amazing. I felt it too, like something that's part of me is back with me again, the warmth and joy is beyond words. All in just a holding of hands, that is love.

I really hope I can repay everyone who has stood by me, taught and mentored me. The people that are important to me. That for them and because of them I will become a useful person. There is no need to think, just do. Yolz

Dear even though its just short four months but more and more to come. Cos I believe and love you from the bottom of my heart. BiFi tag team!!!

p.s.

2007-07-11T00:34:00.000+08:00

Because I don't know if I will have the time to blog tml...

Dear WELCOME BACK!!!

& just want to say I was unhappy when you were in Taiwan not because you go there with friends, or you go there see handsome boys (-roll eyes though-), or the fact you enjoy and buy lots of stuff! (abit envy though, sigh me stuck in Singapore)

but because where is the love? Maybe you tried but cannot feel lei. How to feel when u don't msg what time u reach hotel exactly, or even if you're late. And sometimes never tell me what you be doing. You realise we only got to talk properly like maybe around a hour and a half for whole four days! The last day the worst - after all that quarrels, whole day you never keep me in view with what's going on. I also dun know u got see my msg I sent to your sg hp when you on plane anot.

Dear I break it down for you why I took it so hard. One day got 24 hrs. Maybe you slept for 8 hrs (I don't even know what time u sleep or wake up cos never tell me also). So that's left 16 hrs. This 16hrs you spent with your friends, don't you think leaving 1 hour one for me is okay ma? And I mean really setting aside 1 hour and telling me when is that 1 hour. Okay even half an hour is it too much to ask ma?

Basically hor, what you told me is you don't even know what time you return to hotel. Than poor me how? Cos I though it should be the one who is overseas who do all these, because he/she knows when he/she can allocate the time. It gives me the feeling that you don't even miss me enough to want to talk to me properly. AND I mean properly and not b4 u go to sleep or cos got a little free time in between.

And if I had to teach you all these than something is wrong. Cos if you were thinking of me you should understand ma. If you don't tell me, how am I suppose to know what is going on when you're in Taiwan? Haiz

You may have cried and shaken dear. But trust me my heart was torn lor. The only reason apart from the fact that I am a guy that's why I dun cry is because I really believed you at least keep me in the loop no matter where you are, and I was shocked to realise otherwise.

And I'm going to end it here because it has already happened and no matter what things are like so - you never keep me in the loop, I became 'aggressive' and both parties are wounded. All I can say I have not been so emotional since god knows when. Not even when fighting my father.

Maybe the most loved hurts most badly too ba.

And I can only wish if only I told you beforehand, or that you did inform me. Heh

Trust is important, but communication also. But than the night b4 you left I'm sure both of us did not even think about the trip ba. Cos it was a bad night to start with. And so with out working out a 'to do list' u flew there, and it became one heck of a mess.

Sorry I hurt you. I know this will sound lame but it really is cos I love you and I found it very unfair that u are enjoying yourself and yet not even a proper conversation between us - especially since you are the one who wants everything clear and talk to each other everyday (in sg tat is).

But once you reached Taiwan, well...

I did learn something is that no matter if its unfair anot, or that I feel unloved. The fact that I love you leave me with no choice but to just hold my breath and work it out with love & peace.

I believe you will never see me so 'aggressive' towards you ever again, cos I myself am sick and tired of feeling so much till it really exploded. And it does'nt help anyway.

But dear can you not be so stubborn also ah? :P

Don't make me regret getting into a relationship

2007-07-09T12:49:00.000+08:00

This i say to her too ba. these few days really has been one heck of a roller coaster, ha. My sister say can't lend me 20 k le. My goals are screwed le ba. Ha

Today she also msg me to consider abt the relationship. It is very offending actually. Maybe different mindset cos to her since she always make me unhappy than i shld consider staying with her. For me if I know I am in the wrong I will do what I can till she is happy again. I though she is also like me because she herself say apology also must come with effort de ma. Not very extreme effort but at least the person should feel you tried enough.

Dear one apology yesterday plus one sms today is all of your effort already? I told you somethings should not say de, like consider relationship.

Cos how will that make me feel?

wat a day

2007-07-09T04:49:00.000+08:00

I am disappointed and turned off. I wish I can feel sorry for making her cry and bringing all these up but i can't. Because its not fair to me.

She's the one in Taiwan playing and enjoying while I am in Singapore making appointments. Should'nt the one overseas enjoying herself be making the effort to contact her bf in Singapore. And I really cannot believe it because as such a 'sensitive' girl like her who say before to make things as clear as possible to avoid misunderstanding herself - can forget to do so and still have the cheek to ask have she become a different person in Taiwan?

The FiFi I know wants things clear. She wants to know when and where I be everyday at any certain time. She is the one who waits for me to chat until the time she sleeps. And she be disappointed if she wait and can't get to talk to me. But is she doing so in Taiwan?

In Taiwan, the first two days she never at all miss call me during the day. At night I don't know when exactly I can talk to her cos she herself also don't know. When she reached Taiwan she seemly don't know what is late night anymore. Is ten plus onwards not considered late night? Even in normal time if she is in Singapore, if she is outside until ten plus and she don't know when she go back home, should she at least msg me that she be late? Is it not courtesy? Even more so as the bf is waiting for her msg, to want to talk to her.

I don't get it. What she assume I sleep late so after she reach the hotel she msg me than. So what I wait till god know what time? I told her she is the one in Taiwan, she knows when she reach back, I don't lei. She should tell me.

FiFi once said that I am persistant and stubborn, that's why the quarrels always very long. But I told her before its because I feel that even after I understand her point of view, she don't understand mine.

Understanding another person dear is not comparing his point to what you know/your own point and see if its valid anot lei. Its about compromise where you try to understand from the other person's shoe! I can do that dear. But can you?

If you really can you would not have cracked down and cried le. I'm not saying I'm totally not at fault here but I'm the one at the unfair end. Because I have to hear you cry and say that you can't take it anymore. How does that make me feel?

From this there can only be two ways. Next time when we quarrel I just insist on my point till you apologize or give in to me. Or I just apologize for everything and let you have your way. Because you cannot understand my point of view. And I think you are used to the first way where your bfs get the better of you.

Does she even miss me? Cos I don't feel it from her lor. When she miss call me in the afternoon yes I did not call back immediately. But when I see it I left even a meeting to talk to her. And she cannot even ask her friends to wait 10 more minutes to talk to me ma? Yah lai our time not right and she is suppose to be at the event till 10pm. But its making an effort - yes she call me once she is free. But I also made the effort to talk to her so should she have tried to talk for 10 more minutes? I don't know, I really don't. And she only miss call me once in three afternoons. Too busy ah?

And does she realise the 3 days she never say exactly what time we can talk. So if I want to sleep le and all, so all 3 days no need to talk le lai. Dear you are the one who knows what time you can talk to me lei, and you never set a time. Quite frankly if you really miss me you will right?

If you feel offended from all this you try thinking from my shoe lor. My gf's having fun in Taiwan and she does'nt even allocate even barely half an hour to talk to me. She can't because she don't know exactly when she return to the hotel, you know how offending that sounds anot? So if I don't wait or make noise, we can jolly well don't get to talk to each other for the whole of her Taiwan trip.

I can't forgive her lor. It is something quite hard to do.

Dear you go ask your friends:
- If you are outside past ten plus, should you at least inform your bf anot? More so if he is waiting for you?
- If you are the one enjoying overseas, should'nt you be the one making the effort to chat to your love ones?
- Are you sure you got allocate time for me during your Taiwan trip? Or am I suppose to accommodate to you?
- Do you seriously think I am making a fuss out of nothing?

2007-07-07T23:55:00.000+08:00

07.07.07 is the Live Earth Worldwide 24hr concert - a world effort against global warming.

It is also the only day in a 100 years to have all 7 digits.

It is one of the most down days in my life so far. I have not felt so empty/sad/miserable since god knows when.

Maybe its due to the disputes i had, or the fact she is not here. Perhaps its because I'm not scoring well enough for my assignments or not achieving my goals in my work. Its a feeling of I'm going nowhere, that the path ahead is freakingly dark. My heart was crying throughout the day and night, but tears could not flow out. A guy only bleeds, he does not cry ba. Lol

This feeling I will remember ba, when smiling helps but its not from the heart. The emptiness of the heart, the pressure on my chest, the queasy feeling in my stomach. This day is definately not the best of times.

I am a being with flaws, I am not perfect. In fact, I find myself really really f**k up. But than we are always our own harshest judges and worst enemies. I am just living a life. Or rather this life is living out, no matter if I'm happy anot - things still goes on...

To all those who are down and out - tomorrow is always a better day, and the sun rises again.

Good Luck

lol

2007-06-28T02:26:00.000+08:00

This month has been a very difficult mth. You see I want to achieve something by end of this month and I am trying veri hard. Perhaps I should/will try harder or I should have done more in the past. Heh Yesterday when I was in the cab back home I felt a feeling very familiar to me - the feeling of defeat. Its like in the end I can't achieve my aim, very very downer.

Today on my free ride home on Kenny's van, he asked me why I suddenly become so active and will it actually last. I went through this topic before and that is I have had issues that I had to settle. And I did settle them. I will also dare say that no one has been through the same amount of things both good and bad in such a short time frame like I did. Even though I felt that these are all excuses and I could have done better, it was the best that I could manage.

Back to yesterday's ride, I really felt, "Ah so this is it, I can only reach such limits." "Heh, This is life - the bittersweetness of it. All this just for a position and name. All this for my goals and dreams."

But I have no time to think, perhaps I can reflect later on. Now I'm just moving on and on. Deep in my heart - I really want this, lol.

On a better note - erm my gf and I went through some trouble waters again but it was okay. Sometimes what you feel will help might not be so, its a case of understanding and compromising ba. Dear has been really supportive and I am grateful for her. She really is the sweetest thing in the world. One reason, perhaps it is only for me, though she may be moody or very tired/down but as long as she understands why and it is acceptable, she won't blame me much. And I am really touched by that, she will still show her moods but to me she still be civil and more.

I guess we still have alot to learn and grow together but like i said to my friend, "to love a girl, you must treat her well." And i feel that 'negative' occasions will arise, but it is up to me to resolve it with good intentions. In other words to not bite or bark. Heh

I'm trying k. Thanks

L&C :)

3th

2007-06-14T14:34:00.000+08:00

The BiFi tag team did not have an easy time. Some of my friends did comment that is usual to go through qurraelsome periods. It is tiring and a downer but than I'm can't live without her so lol, heh. I can only pray that things will be fine - but they usually don't. Shit happens and when it stinks, but life goes on. The BiFi team will continues on, dear~~ fighto k.

Love, BiBi.

P.s. I remember all tat I say and promised. And I want us to be happy. Add Oil!!!!

tis is it

2007-06-07T01:15:00.000+08:00

tonight is one of the occasions when i have a surge in me to want to do something, the drive. Now i shall note down again - simple. I want to be a BAM by 9.8.07. Last year i had the honour of saluting the president and the nation in the last NDP held at the Indoor Stadium. This year i want to achieve my personal aim by the same date.

Quite frankly i know myself - which makes it even more frustrating as I know my limits. Once a fortunate teller told me I am not the type for business nor am I a good speaker. Look at what I am trying to do now. She did however say I be a good cook. Hmmmm

My gf was right when she say i am stubborn and persistance. I am the type who will do exactly what ppl say its not possible to do, because the challenge is there. However I never tot of myself as a rebel. I always imagine myself as a mad dog who will chase after something and will bite down and never release ever. It may be cos I have four sharp teeths ba. I hate failing or defeats. I am the type who get easily disheartened by such, but I don't like to call it quits, quite frankly I have never 'surrendered'.

Destiny is a weird thing. For one I never tot I find Fi Fi. And I never could say this to her fully but when I think of her exs I just am very pissed. The one tat 'got' her at taiwan and the two yrs motherfucker. Mean I know but what they did is not nice either. And that is one reason that I want to be the smartest, handsome and richest bf by her side. Than I can treat them to a nice meal and say, "Is'nt she the most sweetest thing in the world? What an angel." and make them feel like the losers/dumbs dumbs they are.

I still have my dreams. I want to write at SPH. Ha silly I know but writing is my strength (or that's what I feel lai). And I know I can. Not because I am talented or anything but because I did not have a 'soft' upbringing. I can sleep on any floor as long as there is a pillow and blanket. I can skip meals and live on instant noodles if I have to. I can endure mundane physical work. But I don't wan to go to such extremes because I know what it can do to a person. You can have all the money in the world and not be happy. The soul needs filling too, and much more of it.

I want to live and love. I want to be able to realise that I am breathing and enjoy the breath of life. I want Fi Fi to be happy. Quite frankly I wish happiness for everyone. i really do. Cos tis is it, one life, the adventure of a lifetime.

Love, "L"

things to do

2007-06-03T23:29:00.001+08:00

- meditate regularly
- workout regularly
- eat healthly
-sleep regularly

& focus. Overall a healthy lifestyle

It is disgusting how unfocus I am - too much stuff on my plate I guess.

Tis world is so harsh and boring actually. Everyone wanting to do something, be someone, get the best deals or something. There is no more such thing as a simple life. Comfort, luxury, the 'best' of things.

One loses the focus, the aspirations, the dreams - what you want to become. It would have been easier if I am a simple man. I am satisfied with the simplest of things. Plain water, healthy food, a place to as my own home, good friends and family, and the one I love beside me.

But its not that simple, and I don't think its just me. Frustration sets in because I know I can, but I'm not achieving. Sadness when I don't succeed in what I set out to do. Anger as I am disheartened by such small defeats. Aspiration, my dream. 2 more mths I give myself...

By August the 9th I want to achieve one of my many goals - and have looked out for my future horizon. Funny to set something on National Day.

I am of many weaknesses, because I am a man. I may not be something big or important. Or I never succeed in anything. But I want to know I have tried my best, that I left behind warmth and smiles all around. That I am a just a man, a simple thing. That I grew and developed like any other. That I bonded with many many others. But a happy man I want to be, with my Fi Fi, family and friends. A happy thing in my own way.

ooh

2007-05-30T15:45:00.000+08:00

this two weeks filled with 3 assignments back to back, thus did not feel like writing anymore. Total words i have written for my essay - 4000. lol

Me and her are both stubborn and headstrong. But we love enough other so yah. Love can solve alot of things because what when I know and understand her, and can't live without her. Well there's very little room for me to want to not be happy, or make her unhappy.

Oh its freaky at how simple money comes to some ppl. It is really super unfair that when ppl are slaving it out in the system, some are planning to go for a trip and buy BMWs come year end. Ha blows your mind really.

When will it be my turn, eek.

Bi Bi & Fi Fi

2007-05-15T00:00:00.000+08:00

2 mths and counting!!!

We had a great dinner at M.O.F, with absolutely superb desserts that is unmistakely the best we have ever had. Heh its great when both of us both love green tea and red bean. I will remember this mth as the mth in which we learnt more abt each other. And how we continue to 'blend', to think abt each other. We had misunderstandings but everything is good! The Bi Fi Tag Team is undefeated, muhahaha.

And we had a great series of nights and days leading to this anni. And I will continue to make her even more happy heh. To respect her, to think from her pt of view, to make her happy. And of cos to work hard so tat I will not disappoint her. All these I will do because she is the undisputable queen of my heart. :P

Luv, Bi Bi & Fi FI

haiz

2007-05-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

she not happy = i not happy also. Just praying that will never even consider an eye for an eye, not only cos I don't wan it but because I am afraid of how I will react also. It's the same sort of scenario of how USA decided to go to war Post-911 instead of negotiating and finding out where went wrong and why. And look at what a gigantic mess that decision made.

cos i can be stubborn too and that will not turn out pretty ba. Maybe one day I just refuse to apologize than how? Its not a threat or anything mind you, I'm jus afraid cos it might happen, bummer

but on a brighter note I do try to learn and whatever flaws I have I try to improve on them. Though the changes will not be immediate but I will try. Because I believe a man not learning is a man better off dead. I mean yes as you grow older you might be slower or even stupider. But there is nothing as limiting as 'yourself'. If you believed you have 'done it all' or 'I am like this ma' than who are you and what have you become?

I wish I have alot more 'things'. Not in the physical form(money!) but I also wishes like to be smarter or stronger. And not because I am greedy or what but it just frustrating to be limited and to be constrained at the lowest level. I'm just taking clumsy steps, one at a time.

thanks thanks

2007-05-03T00:41:00.000+08:00

I do have the (do I dare say it) most loving, caring and sweet darling. Heh

I am hit by realisations that has opened up my mind. I never thought I could actually have such a great dear in my life. And though my family is not picture perfect, we do care for each other and the bond is strong. I love and am loved back. What more can one asked for?

I am grateful for what I have. It may not be what people will call the best of life, and I really have had 'fought' my own battles till this day. It is not the most meaningful, nor have I accomplished anything great. But I am thankful for what I have, and what has had befalled onto me, both good or bad. I can only pray that I will learn, cos all faults are from me and that all good can come from me too.

Thank you, to all the people in my life. Whoever you are - we have crossed paths and hopefully learn from each other in the process.

And to my loved ones, what more can I say?

I will try my best in the good and joyful manner, what comes may. :D

Happy Always, L&C

basics

2007-05-02T01:04:00.000+08:00

Finally someone asked the question, "What if you can't become a writer, its difficult eh?"

Trust me I know, so what fall back do I have? Quite frankly I feel that to have a fall back means that I give myself room to fail. As in "Hey its okay, I can still become this..." But I do understand the practical and 'logical' side of things.

My aspiration has always been to create. To write, e.g. columns, stories, scripts and even *gasp* songs. And maybe even become a photographer or a director. Crazy I know but it is my dream, something I have always locked away, afraid of touching. It's not nice if you reach for the stars and fail, cos you will fall very hard onto the ground, ouch.

But I am growing old and if I don't do it now, I don't think I ever have the 'chance' again. I have had tons of humble pies throughout my life and I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know it ain't going to be easy and I ain't exactly a run for the money. But the fact that I have never tried hard enough is one of my many regrets. I can declare now that I am nothing much, and what I am trying to do has been done by so many other people, who have had so much more amazing feats done.

But I am me. I must focus and do it and I'm keeping my fingers cross. Cos I want to do something I can smile about. For my back up, I am in the stage of knowing tons of people (networking) that can/might help me in the future. And I will not give up on IT. Cos I like computers, games, logics and especially design.

The things that I must continue to learn and update myself on - and to even apply.

This is it, really. No more no less - just what am I made of, and what I will become. Whatever happens, I can look back on this post and say, "shit man was that me?" Cos no matter what, life still goes on, with or without. :P

time of your life

2007-04-30T13:57:00.000+08:00

there is only so much left on this road,
a path that you have choosen or stumble on,
might be full of pot holes and big dips,
all your tears just keep pouring out,
but at the end it be alright.

To all of us who are doing what we do, can do. And when we failed. Heartbreaks and jubilations seem to walk hand in hand. Whatever happens - you are.

Good Luck :P

life's screwballs rite at you

2007-04-25T02:37:00.000+08:00

I don't know who has it worst. My mom, the guy, me or my gf. *joking*

Life just likes to churn out stuff that u never expect, or never even dared to dream of. Shit happens yes but the little wonders, and the sweetest angel can just be by your side too. Its amazing.

I really have no idea what will turn out, or how things will go from here ons. I mean I have hopes and dreams, and aims that I want to reach. But with the way life keep throwing screwballs, all I can do is really to just cross my fingers and enjoy the present.

Thank you dear for being with me. :D

How life can throw a screwball at you? Imagine you suddenly have the sweetest love, discover that 'the guy' has nose cancer, realise that studies ain't easy and not have a stable income - all at the tender age of 22++. Heh

A bittersweet taste, with a hint of more good things to come- or is it?

I will try to cross my toes too. Heh

And whatever happens, hope my angel and I will be side by side. Yeah

mth!!!

2007-04-14T00:01:00.001+08:00

Time really files when you are happy. I got to share it with a woman of my dreams, my precious darling, for this past month. And I am still amazed and shell shocked even that such a girl can come into my life. I don't know what I had done right in this lifetime or any others, but I thank any stars or what else out there.

Sometimes when u see such lovey dovey sweet posts and any other 'overdoing' shows of affection, you might feel like cringing. Man you have no idea what you are missing out :P

I'm super thankful and happy to be in love with my dearest.

L&C 4 Ever

-loved & contented always-

willing it to be

2007-04-09T23:32:00.000+08:00

watever happens will happen and shit might happen. Or things dun work out the way I expect it to be but than i have quite little expectations expect on myself (tat's another story)

I'm just willing things to be.

Er this past month(or so) has been very interesting. And when I look back I still can't believe this is happening but it has been so right. That even the downs are so valuable as we learnt more abt each other, and well the ups are THE BEST!

As for my other aims, I can only but try my utter most. Keep learning and put it to use - just plow on ba.

Thanks for everyone who is or has had helped me in any way, and may good things come by. For me - heh I have an angel by my side so yeah.

Thanks

of cos

2007-04-03T00:49:00.000+08:00

I think there is no doubt to who has my heart, and she who I love. Cos there's only one.

Love,
in so many forms,
from writings to songs,
to dramas and epics.

The neverending cycle,
when two comes together,
and becoming one,
no matter what happens.

Countries might fall,
the world can shake,
and hearts tremble,
but love will survive.

Cos as long as there's a heart,
and its still beating and alive,
there will be the feeling,
the everlasting truth,

that I Love You. :P

amazing difference

2007-03-28T22:36:00.000+08:00

I'm still me, but everything is like totally different. Somebody out, at first a total stranger loves me and I love her. And I'm out of army, finally 'free', or at least not as stuck as the two long years in National Service. Finally I get to strive for what I want to become, to achieve.

Suddenly I feel alive.

Though I'm very busy but I'm in love and finally, things seem to be going my way. I'm hoping it last as long as it can. Everything good tat is.

and i know i'm stupid

2007-03-03T00:04:00.000+08:00

you know you are not really as smart as you are nor are you going places when at the age of 23, you're doing some temp job ($6/hr!) while some fat dumb dumb of the same age is writing columns in the local newspaper.

or that you ain't going to live long when you know you should not have eaten and yet went ahead with the sinful mac feast at midnight.

that most likely you are going down, screaming in fire.

All this occuring in your mind in a sudden wake up call," hey ppl are EARNING MONEY and DOING WHAT THEY LOVE while you are in your own la la land! @#$@#$@#$)

Yeah well its my life. Excuse me while I go finish up that last mac nugget.

Is this how losers feel like? :P

breeze

2007-02-21T15:13:00.000+08:00

The weather over our small little red dot is back to normal again - that is sunny and hot. Though at night there is still cooling breezes but overall it is the good old tropical heat. Looking back, I miss the rainy season. Cold and windy throughout, with thunderstorms to boot.

It's irritating and tiring when one start sweating only after a 5 minute walk to the mrt station. And everytime I step out of a shopping centre its like a shock to realise is not cooling outside anymore. Instead its the total opposite.

Of course the rain was too much, literally. But than at least it was really cooling and I enjoyed the breezes/winds. Oh well, I can always look forward to it again this year end. For now, I guess its great weather to get a tan. *Snort*

BTW, Happy Lunar New Year, Yeah!

v day

2007-02-14T01:13:00.000+08:00

So today is the day to celebrate love. Thus, I will have to wish all my friends, families, enemies and what not all the best in whatever we set out to do. And that I love you all.

Yeah. Spread the love

Lots and lots of things have had happened since my last post and I must say that I am a changed person.

"Changed person?", you may asked but yes, there are things and situations that can change a man's fate just like that in a single day. I am still me, I'm not disfigured nor handsome all of a sudden. I guess you can say is what I learnt or realised about myself and the people around me.

I can't say all is good. but for one I'm still alive and healthy, which is already a blessing. For two, well I realise how insignifcance and incomplete or to the extreme of incompetence I am. My strengths and weaknesses.

How do one explain this phenomenon call success? This thing that people strives for, willing to crawl over one another, giving their heart and soul. In which letting go or not bothering is a sign of weakness, and giving up is taboo. So important that they will call all supernatural beings they can to help, forgetting all about the beauty and happiness around them.

If I am to succeed it is all thanks to everything, living or non living, big or small around me. Anything that affects me even in the most smallest of ways. And If I am to fail it is all but my own faults, reminders that I am here to learn.

And learn I will till the day I die. The day when I cannot think sanely, or when my body fails me. Until that day comes, may I be able to move on and on. With a grin on my face and laughter all around, to what comes may.

love of my life

2007-01-22T22:41:00.000+08:00

In my own defence, i still am doing stuff that are enjoyable, or at least habitual. I realise I still love to read. Just give me a good book and depending on how thick it is, I can hole up in my house for days. The feeling of reading a good book is just great. It can be anything, biography, witty modern time love/comedy/thriller or combination of all three. Fantasy worlds of magic and wars, or stories of another time and place.

I think that's why i wear such thick specs, yikes.

Why do I read? I have absolutely no idea. And its not like I can remember the whole story after I read it, unless its really good. And even so I can remember only the outline and some details of it. So its like I read and forget. But sometimes, though its harder when you grow older, you get inspired. Inspired in all sorts of way. Inspired to be happy, to go out and do what you want or just the feeling of inspiration. You might gain new knowledge from the books. Or you feel excited, because the world suddenly seems big and amazing. And the delightful feeling that is not much different from having a good feast.

An absolutely good feast for the mind.

A research shown that the a way for grow ups to improve or maintain their IQ is to read the classics. like Pride and Prejudice or Catch-22! (which i wonder why it has not been made into a film yet? mark my words - this will also be a film coming soon to theaters near you.) Anyway just any classics, like those you buy from the Penguin 'literary collection' (that's my own assumption btw).

So there you go, it even improves your IQ (*GASP!*). Why am I writing this? maybe because I realise some people don't read. Or because I just have had three straight good books in a row (which is rare nowadays). Or I'm utterly mad.

Oh well.

the utter desire not to do anything

2007-01-17T19:27:00.000+08:00

when you are lazy and you continue on to not do anything, it snowballs. I guess that's how 'couch potato' is formed. Really, once you stop doing stuff, you just cannot be bothered to do anything anymore after a while. Like you have just raise a white flag to the ongoing slaughter outside and say ,"screw this shit, I'm going to go you-tubing at home".

its quite scary, the utter desire to just shut down. Do brainless stuff like watch tv or online what not or whatever else. The total shutting down of the brain.

I have stuff that I want to/need to do. But I just cannnot be bothered le.

p.s. Inkumai!(or something spelled like tat) is a funny perverted nice anime. Go watch nei.

ANd laziness beckons on.

my life

2007-01-01T23:54:00.000+08:00

somebody made a formula for my life pls?
one that if I follow I can succeed,
in whatever that I want to do,
or feel like doing,
whatever difference it may be.

ah what the heck, whatever happens happens.

And Happy New Year to everyone.

And it continues.

on and on and on, lol

pts to note

2006-12-28T01:10:00.000+08:00

u can't pls everyone.

jacking off can only please yourself for around 5 secs.

there's only so much jacking off u can do in a day.

you're a loser.

and if you think you ain't - you have a big ego.

Life sucks - cos I'm not getting any.

and things jus don't go the way I want - stupid.

finally, 'brain dead' compare to active brain? No diff in the wave lengths

duh

end of the year

2006-12-25T18:52:00.000+08:00

:P

there's like wat, six more days to yet another end of the year? Another year gone. The whole thing seem so long, sometimes enjoyable, mostly unbearable O_O". And now its finishing already. So wat's your new year resolution? or wat have you learnt from this past year?

And yes, I do take laughing seriously. If I don't laugh enough, I will become some grumpy old man in the future. If there must be, there should be a laughing day every week. ha ha ha

Whatever you might feel abt the this year, well it has had past. And since you are still alive (cos you are reading tis), you can't deny the fact that life did not treat you that badly huh. And its such great weather, so cosy and nice due to all the rain with a peaceful calm all around (maybe due to all the hangovers). The spirit of christmas - though I don't really celebrate I must say its a jolly holiday. So rejoice in all the good, forgive your enemy and enjoy a good year done.

Ho ho ho

ha ha

2006-12-20T20:01:00.000+08:00

I dreamt I was laughing the night before.

Yes, my whole dream was just me laughing in my sleep. Don't ask me why. It was really funny and very relaxing. I woke up with a smile which lasted the whole day - until something screwed me up again.

In my old army days(ording loh) when I was sleeping in our air con bunk, I also had a funny dream once. I could not remember the content but I do know it was somewhat like a comedy and I was laughing in my sleep. Yes, I'm not joking, I was like snickering. Than I realise I was laughing and I woke up with a snort like a pig plus a big grin on my face. It was great, maybe even better than *gasp* sex.

I need more of this type of dreams. Yo dream fairy, you listening? Two dozens of canned laugh dreams to go per week please.

Sometimes, things can really be so AHHHHHHHHHHH, and UGHHHHHHHHHHH and WTFFFFFFFFFFFF. Than you go to sleep - which with the way its going, you might not wake up from. But than, if you do, well you should be thankful that you have another wholesome day. And hopefully a grin from your sleep to boot.

kudos.

new changi batch & sense of power

2006-12-16T20:39:00.000+08:00

Its scary and humbling when I saw the new guys. They are like inexperience/shell-shock/new and they stinked. I can't believe I was like that once. And the sense of power as they are newbies who need our teaching. Ha I can understand how those 'in charge' feel. I guess it can be addictive, to be in charge and in control.

But than like all things, it is not possible to be all powerful or in charge totally. Anyway, we are responsible to teach the correct things to them and make them learn. Or course we can just fuck it and let them screw up, which due to their newbie status, they most possibly will. So its not about being a sadist and we want to punish them. If not tough on them now, they definately will screw up later. Fact is, everyone wants to slack, but can one do the job correctly if required?

It might be a vicious cycle, but some traditions are there for a reason. And for the sense of power, its just a fleeting moment. For example, now the rubbish is automatically cleared. Give them a few more mounts and the rubbish bins will be full again, with everyone waiting for everyone else. Always has been like tat. Vicious cycle lol.

corny but who cares?

2006-12-02T10:12:00.000+08:00

wat is an end without some 'Time of Your Life'?

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

the start

2006-12-01T23:33:00.000+08:00

Do you sometimes do things and than forget why you are doing it? E.g. what was this blog all about?

I guess it all started from the simple fact that I was not getting any smarter in the army so I had to try whatever means possible to BE NORMAL. I guess that was where a blog came in. Simple, fast and soothing. Writing lame shit really did helped in getting my mood back TO NORMAL all this while.

& it really is lame shit. Cos most of the time, I just stare at the Posting page and just type whatever subtle and abstract duh that comes out of my mind. So I guess to all those who do read this blog, er thanks.

And I forgot what I'm suppose to write about - again. p.s. SAW 3 is wicked shit. Half of me was just wishing that we had caught the James Bond show instead/wanted to leave the freaking cinema. The other half was just cringing and stuck in the seat in absolute terror/thrill. Maybe someone should give the scriptwriters a taste of their own "I want to play a game shit". Bastards.

It really is a crazy world, where everything just does'nt go the way COMMON SENSE will dictates it to be. Mr common sense must have hanged himself somewhere a long time ago. Possibly when humans started humping one another and reproducing and humping and reproducing until you can just DIY hump on yourself and screw the reproducing part.

Why don't you do your best? :P

kowtow

2006-11-27T17:26:00.000+08:00

firstly, thanks Xinhe for the comment. At least there's one soul reading my blog. :P

Today I waited like two to three hours for a girl. Of course in the end we could not meet. I really must kowtow to myself for doing pointless things.

For example, sometimes i might have the sudden crazy urge to go to this centre which supposely have lessons every tues. Than when I reach there it turn out to be close. And it did not happen only once! But I still continue going when I have the time. God knows what drives me.

What I shld have done is if its open in the first place. Like today situation also, i know the girl might not be free so I should have ASKED more clearly instead of sitting at Clark Quay Mac writing blanks. Or should I?

You know if you are really fair and saintly, everything can be your own dammn fault. The bus breaks down - maybe because when it stopped for you, the braking action finally ruined the engine and it cannot take the strain anymore. Some Ah Kao give you the dirty look, maybe because your face really see already people want to punch. Or in this stupid incident, I assumed?

Aiyo, really really headache. Haiz.

But if I must say, I do not regret my actions, although I could have done much much better. Because I'm still young (barely) and to have the time and energy to wait is already precious by itself. When I go working/grow old - maybe all I will want to do is stay at home. So all this stupid shit are precious in their stupid ways. I just wish I can do smart memorable stupid shit. Which seemingly is very hard to achieve.

low

2006-11-23T14:55:00.000+08:00

Everyone is wack in their own ways.

Me? I think i'm just screw-loose. But than I guess that's how everyone feels, someday or another. Their own limitations, their weaknesses that seem to engulf all of their strength, it's ridiculous. Just trying to make whatever way they can with all their ability, however small and insignificance it might be.

Knowing life is precious and yet living like there's always tomorrow, spending time on activities that spends time, seemingly that there will always be time later. Even though its so easy to just be alive, and than dead at the other second.

Knowing what have to be done and doing it takes courage and persistent. And its not easy. To all those chasing stars, good luck.

May good things come your way.

absolutely no idea

2006-11-18T23:05:00.000+08:00

wat am i going to do after I ORD?

Absolutely no idea. Of course if I can just slack and stone I 'll be so happy, but than...

Actually, there is nothing expect my own ego and what not from stopping me to become a bum. Or one of those jobless losers(uncles) you see sleeping on benches. I do envy them - for maybe a second for as the rest of the world seem to be rushing themselves nearer to their own deaths, these guys are sleeping during the day. Of course than you smell their stink and you're glad you at least have a home.

I mean really, even now in the army, I get to go home during weekdays morn. So peaceful and great. You want to know how stress life can be, just stand at the MRT nearest to you during peak hours in the morn or evening. The crowds rushing to whatever for that day, just watching alone and you feel busy and stressed.

Or during the weekends when everyone is out in places like Orchard. Trying to enjoy themselves as much as possible, to make full use of the weekend. Trying to enjoy oneself seem to be a stressful event too, in some ways that is.

But at another note all together though, people watching during the weekends and 'crowded' times is great, in some ways that is.

Totally, totally clueless. Mercy.

eye infection - again

2006-11-08T11:51:00.000+08:00

I jus keep getting my eyes infected. And no its not because I watch porn or gals in states of undressing. I'm just a barbaric when it comes to my eyes. I envy those who can just rub their eyes like nobody's business and not get any infection of any kind.

How can I get it, I don't even rub my eyes. So unfair.

Somehow, weird as it is, I can understand how people with terminal illness or AIDS feel. I mean what are the chances, one in a million? But somehow, 'bang' you are next... horrible shit.

Pray can anyone tell me how to not get eye infection anymore. dolz

crackcase

2006-11-06T23:14:00.000+08:00

sometimes, actually most of the time, i'm one crack case. I think behind all that 'calm' is just one scream that can't wait nor help but start.

This world is cracked, nuts, cuckoo. Dont' believe me, go watch the news. There's all the proof you need. And there's nothing like the army to make you feel inferior, or how crazy/uncommon sense!/FUCK UP things can be. Shit happens and it freaking stinks. Not to say it dirties up evverything.

Sometimes things, people just make me feel inferior. I hate that feeling. I mean how will you feel if you look into the mirror knowing today's not going be your day, that the other bloody fucker is going to get the babe. Or that you are earning nuts compared to some high flying shithead. The only way you might and i mean maybe only, make the headline, is that you go jump down somewhere or something.

Of course if you do that, you are only admitting its a crazy world. Or some say that its cos you can't take it, that you want out. Not fit to survive. But to want out, out from at least something familiar to the darkness, to something or maybe even nothing that you know of. It must one hell of a crazy world.

A phenomenon. Note to self: fuck this whole shit lai. You mind more, you try to get the things you want, you suffer more. All the sweat, but will you be happy? Look at the guy in the position you want, does he look happy day in day out? take it easy, mind only the things that matter.

Now if only I can get THE THINGS THAT MATTER rite... :O

Happy Tots

2006-10-29T04:36:00.000+08:00

Think wacky and crazy tots. I command you. MUHAHAHA!!!

time will heal everything

2006-10-29T04:04:00.000+08:00

They say time will heal everything. Why than do people have to die?

Are there really gods in this world, or the world above? How is it like to live forever? Do they have to learn as we do, can they see their flaws, their humanity? Or are they like the gods of old Greece - proud and eternal. Their characters never or little change, forced to live together because all of them are immortals, shrouded in polite indifference and discontent of each other.

Or are they perfect, pure at heart? I think I have posted once, but can't find it anymore. Its tis quote from somewhere about one must be out of his mind/crazy to try and actually be enlightened(nirvana).

I guess where is the fun in that? In becoming perfect, to not want anything, to have nothing. Its one hell of a crazy idea and totally opposite from what the world is trying to sell to you...

Or is it? Like me tonight, just could'nt sleep. Suddenly thought of the stupid, painful past. Past sounds so final, so sad. Everyone has a past they say, it makes them sound like monsters waiting to pounce, with their skeletons in the closet somewhere.

If time can heal everything, than why give me a past? Why can't just get the start and the finish and be done with it? But than it be a catch-22 eh, cos them I won't have to exist - there won't be a me. Its the process that counts they say. Well some say its a crazy world and yet everyone's still trying to live. I guess we are all a tad mad after all.

ramblings again

2006-10-26T15:52:00.000+08:00

Literally, try as the heart wills.

I?

Apparantly my two sisters want to go to Europe to backpack too next year. So my first backpack experience might be with them - a tad weird but sensible, since a guy should be around, not that I can do much against big sized men but still...

The question is can I backpack also to Japan next year. Cos going to two extremely expensive areas of the world in the same year is asking too much. That will have to wait till after October I guess. And another problem, apart from the big question of finding a temp job that will pay lots and lots (I'm greedy) is the backpack itself. Since the three of us are going together, it means I have to buy equipment(sigh).

P.s. It is all jus plans. Estimated Europe trip is next June so its still a long way. I just need to plan cos money is gonna be a factor, and so a job is a must. And of course all the smaller details that will come later.

I giving myself until next december to travel so time is not an issue. Another issue though is the studies or job matter. Though I have a feeling I am going to hate working and getting a degree is always sensible, yikes.

but whatever happens. it will be fine. At most I just be suffering the same shit I have suffered for in my NS life, which will suck big time but I can take it.

Proven and tested

remember

2006-10-25T16:48:00.000+08:00

next time when you are stuck in a situation, don't try to think of a solution. Instead try to remember the solution. Apparantly the situation has had happened before and you just have to remember.

It comes from reading too much paperback fictions...

Time really files. FOUR more mths to ORD. Some of them of the same 'changi' batch are/have already planned their leaves/offs. Which reminds me that I need to find a job, plan my destinations and routes for my backpacking. Of course the urge to shout "ORD lor" is also becoming greater and greater. And nothing that happens to me in that camp really matters anymore unless I REALLY screw up like fucking big time, otherwise I'm out of there in FOUR MORE MTHS - until my reservice that is.

Have you ever had the feeling of waking up in the morning and just feeling like whats the point of all this, and that you really are just a useless being wasting oxygen and space and what not? I don't. Usually I wake up feeling happy for a new day or tired/cranky due to lack of sleep and what not. But I do get the feeling sometimes, especially when faced with shit that I can't do anything or its not in my ability to change.

Humanity with all its pros and cons. Sometimes the cons just seem so much more compared to the pros...

brain brain work away,
let all the troubles fade,
think of ways,
be gay today,
let nothing make you gray.

:P

gil more

2006-10-19T21:44:00.000+08:00

was fortunate in able to watch Gilmore Girls Season 1 in camp as someone brought it in (original dvd!). I totally forgot how I love/marvel it. The crazy paced yet extremely witty dialogues, the 'fleshy'/amazing characters played by oh so suitable cast. I also remembered yet again why is it the second best show to come after Seinfeld in my book. Of cause you can't deny Friends from getting into the book but Gilmore Girls is super original and super wonderful.

And of cause there are the other series hovering around like the 'oh my god I wasted my time watching tis' X-Files with &*%&* stupid ending and Millennium (you know this show?) which started out strong and than - gone.

And who can forget ER, especially when Mr Rugged Puppy Clooney was in it.

But Gilmore Girls just swept them away. The only reason why it ain't first is well - who the hell can beat Seinfeld eh?

Boys Be

2006-10-16T22:44:00.000+08:00

I like tis part from a Jap series call Dr. Koto's Clinic 2006. In this, Doc Koto gives his old english/japanese translation dictionary to this kid when he has succeeded in getting into the school he wants. Why the dictionary? Cos it was a present from a doctor to Koto when he succeeded in getting into Med school. And In the first page of the dictionary the doc wrote this:

Boys, be ambitious.

Be ambitious
Not for money
or for selfish aggrandizement
not for that evanescent thing
which man call fame

Be ambitious, for the attainment of all
that a meaningful life needs

Wai, very good eh. Something to keep in mind for. :P

come & go

2006-10-14T23:42:00.000+08:00

things cannot be forced, wat happens really might be according to the fate's hand...

mote to self: to be appreciative and not to push things anymore. ENOUGH is enough, maybe a split second decision is all that makes the difference but its a combination of lots of factors that bring to the MOMENT. Ha

Now - my feeling is that no more.

a giant foot step,
a imprint on my mind,
all is the same,
except for my heart.

perhaps it just ain't to be,
maybe I'm being too hasty,
or the world is crazy,
and there's no more sanity.

the same old stuff,
over and over,
maybe I should just move on,
break free of this mess.

Did I learn anything,
I wonder to myself,
am is left pondering,
but nothing comes.

And a new day dawns...

tump

2006-10-09T12:22:00.000+08:00

Right, today I woke up, do all my routine stuff, brush teeth, wash face, shit... Than I put on my Jazz CD, Thelonious Monk with John Coltrane. And my mom start commenting again. "Boy, you got taste ah, it sounds horrible! No vocals, than all are trumpets and sounds than you like." (of course she was speaking in chinese.)

Anyway, I just grinned. Its a not be to commented area. I mean when I tell people I listen to Jazz, that's that. Nothing else that they can comment on about it nor can I add anything more, else they start backing away like I'm some weirdo or something. Its something people know exist, played by people long dead, maybe it was cool but that's all. I remember once my friend listened to my MP3 player, which I must disclaim that NOT every track inside it is Jazz, there's even POP sings inside. Anyway he happen to hear this Jazz track and just commented, "Wai you listen to funeral song ah" (due to the trumpets and the direct link to the trumpets payed in chinese funerals.:( )

er beauty in the ear of the beholder?

And Yes! finally I found this genius of pianist Mr Monk himself, you have no idea how hard to find him in cd shops. I found him the new CD shop at Taka basement. For another good place to find Jazz, go Marina Square, the cd shop near the arcade/cinema.

Anyway, apart from Jazz I do listen to other stuff. e.g. Cuba/bossa nova music(which is another crazy shit.) And 'night' music e.g. house, drum & bass, chillout, trance - you know the type played in nightclubs. The problem is they don't have to be music that makes you wan to dance and when I say music played in nightclubs, people think of techno (no idea why, but techno is not bad if taken in small doses too). Anyway its great stuff, too bad I only have one cd in this genre. Must go get from people - e.g.Mr Mark! And yes I do listen to pop, chinese, hip hop blah. Oh there is a new greatest hit cd from Yan Zi so that is something I might buy too.

Its all about the cash I have too.

observe

2006-10-07T02:35:00.000+08:00

so many things to observe / judge?

You can go out and just people watch. The chemistry, the gestures, the expressions on people's face. How/what people do or react. And of course the occasional 'accidental' hearing of conversations.

e.g. a conversations between three sch gals which woke me up from my sleep. They talked all the way, from sch work to gossiping about their fellow sch mates back to the emphasis on chinese in their sch. cute though a bit irritating.

Or how a not bad looking gal buying food for her guy friends at Mac. Around six of them guys and none of them offer to help. Maybe she is one of the guys' girlfriend or something but I think its ridiculous.Why I wonder, no such luck on my side?

Anyway, maybe that's why my eyes are so big and my degrees so bad, cos I can't help but look around. Its a habit. Though I mus add there's one guy in my camp who seem to have perfect eyesight that seems to be freaking sharp and observant, capturing even more stuff than me. A true born RP but really, I have no idea how he does it. Dolz

P.s. If u plan to catch a movie, go watch Little Miss Sunshine - trust me...

my honey & clover

2006-10-01T18:54:00.000+08:00

ahhh!!! my HONey and CLOver 2nd season has come to an end. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

again I mus say tis, how come some people are so talented, or so lucky or whatever. People who creates, the movers and shakers, to the 'common' folks that seem so blissful or happy. Wahhhhh! Sometimes, I wish I can be better (actually its most of the time) e.g more good looking, smarter, talented etc. But quite frankly, I am happy with who I am. Cos I believe that, or rather I have absolutely no choice in who I am. But rather its how I live that is important. Unfortuantely I'm not the best out there, but that does'nt mean I can't be as happy. :P

memories... So many things, so many people, some of which I wish I can interact or maintain more. But everyone has their own things to do. So what comes may. So just like I'm glad I have Honey & Clover, I'm glad to be here and know all the people and stuff that I know. Thanks to all of you for being in my life! Ha

dream zzz

2006-09-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

talent, dream, ambition.

it is true tat a person is most attractive when he/she has any or more of the three qualities above. What is my talent? What do I want to do. What to I want to achieve :P

questions, neverending questions. But where are the answers?

btw, NANA is really a great manga. Now I am worried - cos comes yet another reason to spend money, lol.

but its interesting though (at least to myself). This two yrs(almost soon) I can say I learn nothing( cos army suxs) and yet I feel that after I ORD, I will really end a phrase and move on. That is HOPEFULLY onwards to whatever comes.

Just hope it all be gd.

long long time ago

2006-09-15T20:43:00.000+08:00

The world can be such a simple place: You wake up, you shit, you go find food and than stone. Sleep when tired. Repeat process in any order as it takes.

Now - I don't even know what is going on. For example, where else can you find a Scooter that will cause a big pain in the ass and ho0-ha for 9++ guys? Just stumped.

Of course there are things I really appreciate, or rather lots of things. For airplanes to the toliet flush, so many things that just really do ease our lifes. But why the hell must I stare at the same old surroundings for 12++ hours per day per mount for god know what am I suppose to look out for?

I'm just glad for the ppl around/with me. Even though it ain't perfect, but we have had worked for quite long together and our 'northern' shift have survived this far. Or rather there were so much shit and flair ups but we are still in it. Its amazing when I kinda of think of it. Its not easy doing what we are doing - or rather what we are not doing (not sleeping enough for one). The main reason I think because we have utterly no choice nor say but the fact that we have done whatever we are suppose to do is well - RESPECTABLE.

And it continues...

oh and to add

2006-09-04T15:34:00.000+08:00

tis is to the bakas who like someone but never done anything about it:

In the show 'Be With You', the guy was in love with the girl since high sch. But he did'nt make any move because he thought that it was a one sided thing. And the same thing was going on with the girl too. Lesson: If they have had been more proactive, they would have like four - six more years of happiness together before the girl died.

You might be saying yet again," its only a show." But you never know if you try. And you never know what will happen tomorrow. What if something happens (touchwood) to the one you like? Would you even know? There's never no harm in trying, but you will get tons of regret if you don't (unless you're a guru or something). So that's that.

soul mate

2006-09-04T14:22:00.000+08:00

rite, tis is a sentimental post. 'Be With You', a Japan movie adapted from a novel. Its basically about a wife who died, leaving behind a promise to her husband and kid to come back again the year after during the rainy season. Mind you, this is not a horror flick but a very romantic, sweet show.

I had already read the comic/graphic novel version of it a long time back and I must give it to the japs - they really know their stuff. Anyway I had borrowed tis show from my poor friend since like beginning of this year but never did go about watching it. And so today I did and as expected, was very touched.

Throughout the show, I was jus thinking to myself, "wat a lucky bastard.", refering of course to the husband. A bit of sentimenal reflection - who ain't wishing somewhere in their hearts for their soul mates eh? In this show where love is shown, in its purest form, you can't help but feel touched.

And when I compared my own funky loveless life to the show - well bummer. I guess to have something pure, you must be pure yourself first... Don't know if I can still make it but to have someone you can call your love, your soul mate... I think that's just plain amazing. Or rather, the best thing you can have in life.

People reading tis must be saying, "Its only a show dude, get real!". But reflecting upon myself and what not, hey ain't everything make from hopes and dreams? Come as it is. And to those couples out there, enjoy every moment of it. There's nothing like two person in love ba.

end of another chapt.

2006-09-02T01:35:00.000+08:00

yesterday marks the end of a 'stint' of four - five mths of GOH shift life. thinking back abt it, really did learnt alot and though it was tiring and even stressful at times, it was fun. So come Monday its back to mounting. God knows how am I going to survive/endure the duties yet again. And all the 'politics' and shit of the mounting life, LOL. I think abt it also sianz, bummer.

Six more mths. This is the final stretch. It is going to be interesting in the sense that whatever happens, the end is near. Its just what am I going to achieve/do before I ORD and after I ORD. The results ain't important, its the process. So hopefully I learn more in a painless and smooth way. Or rather, to be okay can le.

the blues

2006-08-27T11:44:00.000+08:00

he chews on the sweet and the taste is good. But the sweet taste ends in his mouth. He walks on the street, the noises of daily lifes, people who are walking their own ways. And yet he can't enjoy, the noises are dim, he notices little around him.

he is hit by the blues. Blues - abt the bittersweet, how things can be seem as tiring or downright depressing. And yet the humour, the strength behind everything. The blue man, we can call him. Heart is weary, whole body collapsing to tireness. The rise and fall, rhythms created by the soul. Youl can only be hit by the blues if you got soul. Only when your heart is open can you feel the vibes. And what you do when you feel the vibes - only can dance to it. The never ending rhytmn, the blue man.

May all joy come through, and sadness pass a.s.a.p. That you will find your own vibe and tempo. Dance happily, dance well.

recall

2006-08-13T22:21:00.000+08:00

right, check on my life:

friends - decreasing slowly one by one, with the amount of disputes I'm getting, I think I be friendless by next year :P Okay lai joking, still have friends(who have'nt), just need to 'socialise' most or shut up totally. But since I'm not the kind to keep my mouth shut, the first option is more suitable for me.

But I do realise why I get into shits - because I don't give a fuck about if I get burnt anot. Guess you can call me adventurous or crazy, but if I feel like doing something, well that's that. And everybody are weird or handle things differently. Meaning one really have got to be mindful and yet you can't be all too goody shoe/diplomatic else really feels stiffening. So its a matter of learn as you go, or rather fight more lai, at the end of the day I still alive and can still see girls can already.

girl - I have totally no idea what I'm doing. going crazy here.

work - ORD in six to seven mths. WTF am I going to do after army. Its funny, when I enlisted I jus can't wait to get the hell out but now when the end is in sight, I'm freaking out(slightly, increasing more and more). Shld I study or work? Of course study will be great. Two to three years more of slacking, chances to see tons of girls... er also gain more knowledge.

Not to forget the fact of how to get into Uni, I don't really want to slack anymore. Or rather, I jus feel tat getting a degree ain't going to solve much of my worries. Yes its a degree - more doors and higher pay(and that's an assumption). But if I don't know what I want, than what the heck is a degree going to do for me?

So I have no choice but to slave my life away. From the tender age of lets say 23 till eh 65 = 42 years of my life. Right, already I can see a depress, sick old man begging for money at the MRT station beacuse all of his fortune got cheated away by a china girl... What a life. Yeah!

knight

2006-08-04T02:57:00.000+08:00

Jus trying to live a life,
whatever lies in-front,
a knight, a warrior,
pave the way, fighting fate itself.

cry,
a knight in armour,
and yet still everything falls,
and the heart is dead.

on the ground the knight lays,
face towards the sky,
his hand wants to grasp the skies.
even if all in the world seems to be against him.

even if his body fails,
and left wounded and tormented,
with hell devils holding him down,
just want to be.

don't know what the cause,
a knight with no house,
with a broken, worn out soul,
and yet refusing to give up.

his strength lies in the fact,
that he's still alive when the sun rises,
and he has yet another day,
hard as it is.

stay down Mr Knight,
let darkness claim you!
and he will answer,
blasphempy!

as long as I can breathe,
and my mind is mine,
with my body at my command,
I will still pave on.

dolz

2006-08-01T00:54:00.000+08:00

now I'm skinhead/micro-hair. Shaved off my hair together with a friend of mine on Sunday at Suntec in support of the Children Cancer. Very weird feeling because this is the shortest/almost to no hair style that I ever had. When I take off my clothes, there's the feeling of friction with my scalp. BMT hair style is like nothing compared to this.

It is gonna be interesting/interesting to see how people react to it. Just am afraid I might get beaten up in a mistaken identity due to my hairless style. Already attracted the attention of Ah Bengs just now when I was walking along at AMK central, but than they were like small kids so guess its a novelty to them or something.

I just wonder if people will think I just come out of prison or something, hmmmn. But than my face too babyish so not really possible, unless I act serious and fierce. Than I will be really asking to get beaten up, yeah.

Hair or no hair, I feel great from doing a 'good deed'. So though I feel weird and a bit of regret, its a nice feeling all around.

half dead

2006-07-23T22:27:00.000+08:00

thank you to whoever put the comments abt my blog. Wish u put down your name though, dolz. Actually okay lai, unless you are a hot babe than pls do put your e mail address to me too, yeah.

today somebody commented that I looked like an uncle. True, I was quite 'uncle-ish' dressed but ouch. I might be vain but the most important reason is I hate looking old. Aging is inevitable, but I do not want to look DEPRESSED and what not. I don't mind looking ugly or whatever, but I do not want to become a depressed, stressed out and tired adult. Recently when I look into the mirror, I see frowns developing around my mouth. You know the two lines coming down from the nose to the sides of you lips. Yeah, when I see it on people, especially when they are already frowning - yikes!

And if you think those two lines are common and inevitable too. Trust me, I have seem a guy in his fifties who looks ten over years younger, whose face was smooth and frownless - surgery free.

Choices are always there. I think the most recent movie that reflected this is 'The Omen'. Its about this couple who was 'conned' into raising up the child who is to be the Dark Lord because the guy is the President godson and so the child can move up from using him as a stepping stone. So the whole movie is abt how they realise the child is evil and what they did about it. It is basically a crappy lame movie.

But there was an interesting concept behind it. It seem that whatever happens happened, that history IS. Yes you could have done something different and things could have turned out better. But it had happened and thats that. Nothing can be done to the past.

But they had choices they could have made. In the first place the guy could have rejected the offer of raising the child. Or to heartlessly stabbed right through the boy's heart in the final scene instead of hesitating and thus getting a bullet through his head. Lots and lots of right choices that could have been choosen instead.

Its the ancient question, man or fate?

Do you really think you are in control? I liked what a monk said before, that yes you should be glad that things are going well in your life. But you should be even more happy and delighted when shit happens(p.s this is definitely not a direct quote). Cos thats when you can put whoever you learnt into action and develop more.

So whenever you are unhappy or angry about something, you should be thankful that you got yourself into it. Of course pls do not go to the extreme of going abt looking for trouble. And yes its hard to remember it when you are fuming mad.

Which is a BIG NOTE TO SELF: That really nothing can screw me up unless I choose to let it so. It is all a matter of a viewpoint, which leaves me with absolutely no reason whatsoever to be depressed or what not. That I should take care of myself and get more sleep.

But of course if I could do so I won't be putting a big note to myself eh. try, try, try to infinity and beyond!!!

poor man

2006-07-19T15:24:00.000+08:00

hit with realisation again tis week. This month has been tough and exhausting. But when I look back at it, I have no idea wat all the fuss and stress and what not was about. Anyway nowadays I am really being humbled. And there's so much still being left undone.

...

The poor man looks but he can't see except for the bowl in front of him. He leans back on the wall as the world goes pass but he is only interested in himself. He rises abit as passer-bys come near him, wishing they will put money his way. He has hands and feet of his own, but he can't or won't stand or use his hands. His brain is working fine but he ain't thinking expect for his needs. How he wish he has all that he needs- charm, money, girls that will flock to him. But he does'nt see.

He is a man, but a poor man indeed. Maybe its better for him, being stuck and meek. Depend on others kindness he will. Never knowing how things would have gone, stuck in his past and defeat. He will die poor, looking at his bowl as he catch his last breath and lay dead on the street.

pain in the ass

2006-07-14T21:05:00.000+08:00

today we had a parade rehersal for our CO COC. Anyway it has been a long time since I used the M16 instead of the Singapore bornt SAR21. But that's not the point. The point is these stuff are pain in the ass. Its like rituals that are passed down. Like in the olden days where people do rain dances for rain, parades are done to symbolise whatever that calls for it. And someone has to do it, year in year out - an ongoing job scope of sorts.

I guess people feel good from parades because it is something that is constant. And everyone wants stability and routines. Like waking up and brushing your teeth, they just want something or anything that will show that indeed - yes you are safe. You are going to live on and have smooth sailing throughout your life. Everything will be okay.

Fact is, you can wake up one day and drop dead while brushing your teeth. So instead of concentrating on routines and scrapping for a life that you can call stable - Go crazy. Or rather, have fun.

Actually, anything goes. Some people can live their life without a single cent in their savings while others save up for their future kids. Things can look different to different people. But is your view the right one? Or rather is it the only one? And whats wrong with changing views once a while. Maybe you will end up getting a better deal or degree. The world is a big place, why limit yourself eh?

I guess this post is more for myself. That things really are not worth doing and yet everything now is important. Else I really will get screwed up my ass. But fact is reality is harsh but hope never bows down. And I hope that I will become or rather live a life worthwhile. To never forget that there are always things waiting to be discovered. That one must be happy or really feel happy to be happy. :P

Oh and that there is really such thing as to be able to relax when stressed and be alert when relaxed. Too much of anything is not good AT ALL. Confidence eh.

flashes

2006-07-09T00:45:00.000+08:00

somethings really comes with age, or time. Its like you are in a darkroom and than suddenly a dim beam of light appears, guiding you to a door and whatever lai. Simply saying, you just realise things out of a sudden. For me its stuff that will seem mundane or common knowledge to somebody else perhaps. Things that are actually hard to put to words. Or things that I refuse to acknowledge.

Like me and my friends (duh) was talking kopitiam crap. So than I started teasing one of my friend, who never yet had a single gf b4. So he defended by saying that he would just rather have one and just one good long relationship - The One. Which I found impressive (though highly unlikely to happen :P). Don't get me wrong, I had seem cases of 'first & only love' couples and they are really respectable.

Than I realise yes, I should be think of marriage too - not. What I mean is I should also be looking for The One. But than don't get me wrong, or rather my friend's impression of me is that I am a player or something. All I can say to defend myself is that if I really wanted to be a 'player', there are tons of things I must do, like a makeover of sorts. Or rather, though I don't think my friends will believe me, I can do without girls. Or that I really don't give a shit abt what happens, what I feel like doing at the moment I will do it, and that's that. Which is quite a bad habit and I REALLY should control my feelings (one of me flashes of realization).

Than there is the FEAR. That the relationship will not work out and than I'm left with regrets and all that stuff. Oh well bummer, cause the only reason why I will feel that way will be because I care for the person and of course I want things to go well :P

Don't give me crap like things will go well if one care for each other and mean well. Actually it is true but than - whatever. I'm losing thread of what I trying to write in this post. So its yet another post of crap...

point to note: I must treat my body well. Nutrition and care, less stress and more rest. SHOULD STOP TAKING MY BODY FOR GRANTED!!! rite.

whatever happens happened for a reason. SO your job will be to find that reason and do something abt it. Or rather shit happens. Nobody is to be blamed and yet everyone is a culprit? whatever lai, take your pick.

-end of crapping, yeah!!!

two wks

2006-07-03T00:03:00.000+08:00

i am always amazed by wat can happen in even a day, let along in two wks since my last outburst of a feeble attempt at god knows wat. And I have to give it to myself, when I'm in the mood - that's it. Nothing can stand in my way of getting myself embrassed by e.g. writing poem thingies.

I have a feeling this is one turning pt of my life, though nothing dramatic. Its not like I'm going to become a monk or save the world. Just that things happen, good or bad - one moment you can be joking around, the other moment you can be on the floor wrestling. Whatever happened or is going to happen, all I can say is, "what a world..."

I still got lots to learn. And the possiblity of me becoming a monk is still there :P.

Oh yah, lowdown on wat had happened so far -
girls = moody(me got pms?), lots of thinking(actually not really alot, too tired to think already)

one of my bros got a gf :P, FINALLY. Now only left akuma single and 'pure'.

squabbles, mistakes - the ups and downs.

But I do realise or again understand the importance of picking myself up and moving on. Shit happens, things don't go as you wish or ssometimes one can really just screw up big time. But its how you handle it and how you carry on - it really is the spirit of triumph. Which is one reason why people like watching stuff like the WORLD CUP, noting brings out the spirit of triumph like competition.

Writing this though remind me of what happened during the pistol range last Friday. The range was for officers and I was one of the guys in charge of taking down the score. We had this officer who failed at his first try. He was really a bad shot and failed like by 11 shots on target. Which simply meant that he missed lots of shots and failed utterly. So I was groaning inwards when I saw him coming into my side to try again.

But than his second attempt was impressive, even getting 10 out of 10 shots for a certain posture shooting. So it really did show that nothing is impossible(right right branded slogan). I guess really one has to just believe in himself and keep on learning and trying.

I'm such a motivator eh. Maybe I shld try to be those HOW TO BECOME A MILLIONARE sort of spokesman - not

another poem thingie

2006-06-18T23:46:00.000+08:00

today was quite an interesting day. Saw some of my friends wwway back since sec. sch. Almost could'nt recognize some of them. Some of them are doing jus fine while others - well. So guess today was a gd/bad thing. Like a rythmn or wave thingie.

Heard gd news/enjoy something, and than not so gd stuff and than goes back to normal. And than not so gd vibes again and some really very interesting and great news. All of it in one day :P

But today was a very 'inspiring' day or rather I was humbled or something. Actually I never had anything much to be proud abt in the first place but that's another point together.

Sometimes when your are walking home down a quiet street than you find yourself seemingly relaxed and at peace. And than thoughts just come and go, like hey how's tat so and so girl or I should'nt have done something than to the most recent game that you so want to get and play. But they all just come and go, nothing bothers you - much. Just you enjoying your walk home.

sometimes you just cannot help but enjoy the moment.
and everything around you just becomes interesting.
you find you don't give a shit about anything.
just the date between the moment and you.

times when you feel so proud of yourself,
days when you are screwed all around,
than you don't know what to think,
and your very self is shaken.

your face on the floor,
you just want to punch out,
but you are already laid flat,
still you want to stand up.

the ups and downs,
a monk said,
than suddenly you are dead,
and you ask, "whats that all about"

inspiration, like tis post today,
music, tempo. the dance to the rhytmn,
somedays just go like a breeze,
while others like having a foot sprained.

look up to the sky at night,
and feel quiet,
the stars look so,
you just yearn for something out of it.

you think you can change something,
or even worst - change someone,
than you realise you are the one that changed,
or rather the whole thing gave you one big makeover.

have you ever love somebody?
than i realise -
so many different types of love,
why oh why can anyone feel unloved?

truth.
thats what everyone thinks they want,
and they know everyone wants it,
and yet one big circus show is put up instead.

I do what i want,
but the price might not be paid,
or rather cannot be paid,
just by me alone.

sometimes you don't want to,
but you just end up hurting ppl,
close to you or just innocent passerbys,
things you don't have to bear.

I am amused,
I have no talent,
I can write so much crap,
but nothing changes.

change the world,
nothing dramatic,
its just that its so boring,
playing for your side of one.

lomo!!!

2006-06-15T23:38:00.000+08:00

i want to buy cameras!!! Who can give me money???

bummer.

recent action sample pics:
http://www.lomographyasia.com/lomohomes/?show=55926&page=2

btw, one of this days should also upload my manual camera photos. But all that i want to complain abt on my photo taking is:

OVER/UNDER EXPOSURE &
LACK OF SUBJECT/IMPACT &
oh well see how lai

late night

2006-06-08T01:39:00.000+08:00

want to be perfect,
live in a hazy world,
nothing can touch me,
its all gonna be my way.

than mr. reality came,
a roundabout punch,
through my thick skull,
crushing my everything.

communication,
human to human,
can i get your touch,
or a kick to boot.

wake up and smell the air,
go out and realise,
i'm nothing,
and the hazy world plays on.

btw

2006-06-03T20:41:00.000+08:00

i realise i like to use things like btw = by the way or anyway in my smses. Its like hey i need to add something else or finalise something. Actually it also seems abit rude and acting highly-goody. Or at least thats wat someone commented abt.

I also like to use :P which I like very much. Though its abit too act cute but it represents my cheeky thick face nature. And its simple to create. : plus P = :P

Just things/habits that are simply formed. Like using wat, or lor or lei and all the other singlish words. Quite amusing when you actually relfect abt it. Of course, you must be quite bored or weird perhaps to be concerned abt such stuff like ME!!!

Anywya (there you go!) I realise things can just happen/change/chaos arises like at a snap of a finger. So be careful of whatever you are doing. Or should I say MINDFUL. Cos sometimes badddddd things can happen.

- half dead, totally stumped.

wooo

2006-05-24T23:15:00.000+08:00

rite, saw b.k. subway dharma. GOOD JOB!!! Great kharma will come oof it. And to all those who may think he is a fanatic or weird, trust me he ain't. I mean if you know me as a friend, religious will be the last thing that comes on your mind (more like a crazy 'color' wolf ba). For him, well he's a greatt guy lai.

CHANGE THE WORLD!!! Little ideas like the blog on what he learnt is what changes the world ba (drama-mama).

Anyway for those who wants to know, I still hopelessly and stupidly doing utterly senseless and baka things. Meaning to say, I have some ATTACHMENT issues I need to sort out lai. AHHHHH!!! Listen, love changes the world, but love for the right reasons. 'Loving' someone because you need someone or just because you want a girlfriend is already one step to dropping yourself off a cliff and killing yourself... trust me.

see the world in your eyes,
want to be part of it,
imagine myself with you,
on the road,
and than a car comes and runs us dead,
and now we are blaming each other in hell.

:P

soul dance

2006-05-23T18:59:00.000+08:00

wat will your soul sound like? you know like soulful sound. Have you ever just close your eyes and just focus on your breathing, let everything around just fade away and relaxing yourself. Or rather, just to get yourself to just for moments, not fret abt anything. And than just listen...

:P

I'm jus rambling off because i wanted to write but can't think of anything interesting. You see, I live a boring life. Of course wat, I mean I do have a big L sign up my head. Harsh we are on ourselves eh?

righto, I'm really going to st my aim

A) to train.
B) to prepare myself in becoming a monk after I ORD.

B) is just perhaps lai. Because I do know myself and I cannot imagine myself being a monk... JOKING

9 more bloody mths. Now starts the time when I should REALLY work my bum off on wat the heck am I going to do/become after I ORD le, bullocks

again.

2006-05-19T17:14:00.000+08:00

wai its almost been a mth since i last blog. Just did'nt felt like it lai. The last few posts was just too depressing and sad. I just can't help it but shake my head when I read back, tsk tsk.

I mean no matter how screwed up or loser that I am, rambling and rambling abt it just ain't worth much lai. But than reflecting back, I guess blogging abt it helped to relieve the stress - or rather it helped me put things in the right frame - or whatever lai. Hey when you are down, you're down. Just praying that next time I can at least write SOMETHING that I can look back and laughed at next time when I'm fucked.

Latest news: I think I am going to go become a monk lai. Its either that or I go and get my dick cut off. Its actually no big deal, just that I realise I really don't know how to handle relationships lai - or girls. Actually not even the relationship itself yet lei, I already having problems wooing/whatever else u call it. But than I think its connected - if the getting to know each other/going out and all that romantic thing goes well, I guess the relationship should be quite good too.

Anyway I am either a blockhead or totally do not know how others feel. That and the fact that even myself and the auntie fortune teller I went some time back agreed I don't have much of a love life and that I better not get married early (signs of bad marriage/divorce :(). All girls should just stay away from me lai. Run girls run, MUHAHAHAHA.

And can all my friends who read this just REMIND me next time whenever I try to get to know any girl deeper that I have swore off girls. Or better yet, scare the girl away for her own sake (e.g. say I just came out of woodbridge or that my dick is up my ass etc.) Cos I realise that there will come times when I will have the urge, and that I should just quickly find some place to jack off and everyone will be happy.

ebd :P

ramblings

2006-04-25T21:25:00.001+08:00

10 more months plus and ORD le. Okay so its still far away but I can now understand why some seniors start counting down as early as a year away. I guess it sorta acts like a morale booster, as you can actually count the months till the end with your fingers. For those that are going to ORD, happy lai($&$%^#$%*). But should be lai, since they have served their time - two years and plus don't know how many months cos depends. It ain't an easy task at all.

Of course, what comes after ORD is the real headache, hope you guys know what you all are doing and be happy! Well at least in the CV world le.

As for me - its like having the feeling of doom waiting at my doorstep. Sounds dramatic but really, this two to three months ain't gonna be easy. NO 1 go go go! :P

2006-04-16T13:58:00.000+08:00

BTW, forgot to add. My mom is okay now after having two injections., though still limping slightly. But thanks to all who show concern... Sorry for the trouble caused.

pre chaos?

2006-04-16T13:44:00.000+08:00

rite, i'm happy and sad today :P

thanks Mel for putting comment, hope things are going well for you. And no I'm not reading any self help books currently and ballet is definately not for me but I get what you mean. RELAX ONE CORNER!!!

And ppl, look out for your love ones hor. Don't be like me... For those who don't know, my mom suddenly got infection near her right knee cap so the whole thing was swollen(mildly) and she could'nt move. So I was at home(took off/leave/no idea wat i took) for both fri and sat. It was really very scary lai so ppl, no matter how busy you may be, show some 'love and concern'. Yes it sounds chessy but really, look out for the ones around you. Its double fuck shitty when things happen.

Come tues we will be offically pulled out as GOH shift and than all the extra things start. From drills to carparking - we will do them all... Will miss the ppl at shift 2 though, Good luck hor! And those in the GOH shift - lets get every monday off!

eextra

2006-04-10T23:14:00.000+08:00

today i'm on MC. Actually felt like shit already when i woke up but still went to camp because a) just woke up so blur blur get on with things and b) knew that if i take it will be two days and the chain will continue. The chain being the habit of people takin MCs during mountings, which started last mount by W.L. But than it turned out as i expected, two guys took MC... So I also take le. I guess its a nasty chain huh, one deed turns to another and another. A never ending chain, and those who are caught up in it are just - screwed.

What makes me laugh is how our Mr W.L insisted on not recalling Mr I. If he did'nt remember, he was the one who started this shit last mount and we had to recall our best RP due to him. Of course, partially why we cannot recall Mr I is because he always getting recalled but than the suggestion coming from the guy who asked Mr I if he could take MC last mount and doing so is just so... for personal reasons?

So is it fair to the rest of us who comes mounting and not taking MC? Its not like we want to recall Mr I because we don't like him or anything - there just ain't enough manpower lei. Anyway next time if i get recalled, i will use this example also, "Not enough people? But last time also can survive what." Worse come to worse MC lor - and the nasty chain continues huh.

When such things happen, i really wonder why i bothered. I could just have taken MC too outside than i won't have to go back tomorrow. All the games people play, to get their benefits or whatever. I had a conversation with our old sergent once and we both agreed that being in this vocation really is an eye opener. Mind you, its not an easy task but the thing is it is much closer to reality/civilian life in which everyone are just fighting for themselves. All the selfish individuals living out as best as they can. Of course everyone deserves to be selfish because everyone is important and they have their personal rights and needs.

What i'm really disgusted by is how i'm affected. Why can't i just pass days happily with laughter and joy? Why must have this kind of shit and i'm ashamed of how i react too. Anger, negative reactions - I'm still far from being able to live with grace. This is one big lesson that i just want to learn and get over with. But don't than me wrong, whatever i do, i do without shame. Of course it caused inconvenience to people but there are reasons for it. I also cannot be bothered to explain myself because though without shame, but it were far from perfect reactions and could have done better.

I still got a lot to learn, my brooding nature and stammering and indecisiveness? Also my lousy personal hygiene that caused yet another eye infection, which is really really fuck up. And yet its so easy to get distracted. At a blink of an eye, one year has already passed and I have improve alittle - too little in fact. Perhaps a bit more focus required? Living life is easy, living life with grace and purpose is hard. Living life with little to no regrets and with compassion and humility is just saintly. What a world...

snap of a finger

2006-04-09T22:29:00.000+08:00

for the time spent at a snap of a finger, tons of things can happen. Like my friend who decides to just park and eat dinner, and come back seeing a fine for illegal parking (or actually i saw it first, it really was a small slip of paper), yikes.

words can really be misunderstanding, my frnend was commenting on my previous post and was saying what so how come you don't the the girl the read your blog. The girl being the 'special one', i was a bit joking lai. Anyway it was because some people has been asking me why i created a blog and one of the first few guesses will be like to let a gal read or something.

which bring to note again that words or actions or whatever can really mean different things to different people. That even though there are common meanings to most things, like for example a heart shape will mean love, but overall misunderstanding can occur and often than not does.

anyway which brings me to another topic. That is i really have been out of contact with people due to my fuck up life like for example, Mel. So Mel if you are reading this drop me a comment eh. :P Quite frankly i do see her on MSN but its usually when i'm busy/ going out or going to slp. Or actually i'm just a bit scared of chatting with her?

Eh how to put this - when you stop doing something, lets say exercise, you will not want to do it as the exercise will seem tougher and tedious or you become negative against it or the stomach starts to churn...

right i'm not really making sense. But i have always wondered how she's doing lai. Good LLuck!!! Oh and for those going civilian life/uni please intro gals to me hor. Good things must share what. THANKS A MILLION!!!

headache

2006-04-04T18:21:00.000+08:00

tis mount(mount get it mount?) I'm amazed myself yet again. For a Libra that is suppose to love peace and avoids conflicts, I seem to be getting into loads of them. I think someone above should come down and fix my astro level personality - it seems to be off-tuned. I think I screwed it up somewhere somehow. Anyway last mount I was happily burning bridges like nobody's business. But alas my astro level personality kicked in later and I was busy fixing back the bridges.

Some will say its was too drama mama or whatever. For you out there who don't know what I'm talking abt, well I can't be bothered to describe/explain. Anyway, what I do, got reasons one - the actions might be wrong but than the fact that I'm in the army/airforce/slave is already one big mess by itself. This world is already screwed up as it is. Of course for those on trial for murders or whatever big evil deeds, this argument won't save your ass.

Oh oh also realise my blog getting more and more 'cheem'(again). Why do you think I am single? All the girls start backing away when I start having the mourner/brooder look and by the time I start my rant or poetry or anything else coming from my mouth, they are already screaming and running away double quick. :P No lai, the simpler reason is I got too much time on my hands to think le - Oh well bummer.

And the question for the moment - what the hell is this blog for sia? No its not for 'certain' person to read one hor. Actually I also don't know lai. But I find it very easy to write on the net. Perhaps gone are the days of typewriters and pens and paper. And so it continues, muhahahaha!

I

2006-04-01T04:35:00.000+08:00

Mortality - I.

I want this, I want that. I want to find true love, I want to be rich, I want to be healthy and strong.

I

The mortality of growing old. So many things still not learnt, still ain't perfect. In fact I think I barely pass as a human being of the civilised social world. :P

Makes me remember one of the Terry Pratchett books. I think its Going Postal. Anyway one of the sentence went something like this - "and the crazy gurus who dare to embrace the nothingness of the world and achieve enlightment" Okay that was a bad reference from my memory. Anyway what he meant which I like was that you must be really crazy to realise that this world really is just nothing and just fuck it. Really really fuck it.

However, no matter how fuck up a person can be, he/she still want to and tries REALLY hard to live the lifes that they want versus reality versus whatever(usually everyone else). Everyone are important huh.

To fill up the void that is our heart with more and more. Not to be lonely, not to be looked down on, not to be sick and of course try to stay alive as long as possible.

- too serious too soon. What exactly are you doing for the world? Or why do you take the next breath? What are your intentions?

eh

2006-03-27T22:43:00.000+08:00

a young man start out on a village. Left with only the land his father left behind and his two hands. He look to the horizon and for a moment all worries is forgotten, with the love of his life by his side. As years passby, so much has had happened. The rises in taxes, the many faces of mother nature... and yet he still prowl on, everyday from dawn till dusk. For his wife, for their children.

Blah. Whatever happens happen. Think you will be disturbed by them a few years from now? Yes you might still be grimacing but in your heart - you know it has happened and though it could had turn out so many different ways, but it happened the way you remember it to be. Than maybe you smile a little on the 'foolishness' of your past, and head on to what you are. :P

Guard of Honour

2006-03-24T23:38:00.000+08:00

I survived. I don't know how but finally the CAF COC is done. thank god. On how bad it was - I did'nt even know when I knocked out on the bus ride back today. And I was drooling when I awake. That was how tired I was...

On a better note - there's none. I'm GOH till 1st of Ninth Mth. Its just a matter of how tough the training is going to be.

- Guard of Honour with no life and barely any energy left signing out!

b.t.w. it seems this mount tons of shit happened. So Jia Yo and hope things won't be that bad lai. (I pray no extra/little extra hor) Tomorrow will be better!!!

sobering

2006-03-19T20:08:00.000+08:00

humble pie. Today show my no 1 suit to my sisters. Very humbling, amusing experience. My 2nd sis commented on how nice it look - of course that coming from a gal who climbs/treks mountains and training for Naval whatever biathlon. And my big sis did'nt even turn her head to see. In military, the No 1 is NUMBER 1, best. And it must be kept in bloody tip top condition. But than in my house, its zero, nothing.

Its people like my sisters who puts my feet on the ground. Sometimes when I have things on my mind and chat with people, their perspectives and views just makes me realise/blown away. Sobering experiences.

And when you see talented people or works, like the movie Crash or the anime Honey & Clover (a must watch) - you realise or I realise I'm zip, zero, nothing. There's nothing to be proud about. I never saved anyone, not a role model and least NO talents in me at all. Sounds depressing huh?

I said this once long time ago (a moment of passion), "I may be useless now but I won't stay useless forever." But than, I still useless shit, haiz.

But I did learn that the worst critic and enemy is yourself (the same old saying huh). So to be able to laugh at yourself and everything IS VERY IMPORTANT. Can't stay with a frown through life, freaking tiring!

good things come to those who wait

2006-03-16T14:39:00.000+08:00

whoever said that must be dead already. If not, well he better not be in Singapore...

Anyway, bought a PSP yesterday - which burnt a hole in my pocket. Don't know if its worth it anot but all the same. I HAVE A PSP YEAH!!!

My sis is on a jap course, so she is filled with 'passion' at the moment. So I was forced to learn through her notes and revise with her on her first lesson. the ko.n.ni.chi.wa and the harder ones like i.ie, do i.ta.shi.ma.shi.te. I quite proud of myself - not. By the end of the first 15 minutes I could go through the practices on greetings with her. But than I'm too lazy lai. Not much heart in it.

Though it will be great to just get all her notes weekly and practice with her, thus saving on time and money spent on a begginer jap course. But as all things, practice practice practice. Especially since it is a language practice is a must to get a hang of it. Haiz, why can't i just jack a cable through my ear and download the language pack into my brain. So much easier and convient.

And than there's so many things else to learn and do. Like photoshop and flash, yes i still love design, always will do even though i have no talent in it. And Im still in the army. #@%$WR# *grumble grumble*. Aiyo I should get my 'priorities' right and start doing eh.

Let me go play my psp game first. must relax right?

& you learn to get up again

2006-03-11T12:55:00.000+08:00

as the best serviceman for the mth of Jan who has an award with a wrong IC No himeslf said, "One of the four big has failed." - ouch. I feel so ashamed, I have let my family, my commanding officers and *gasp* the country down. :P

anyway I falied a mount test lai. Its quite embrassing and very disappointing. And I DO have to apologise to my sergent and shift. Cos I myself get into shit is okay but could have/and 'might' still happen that all of us get screwed because of it. Sorry guys.

So many reasons I could find to defend myself. Or so many things I could have done that would have changed the failure to a pass. But than thats that - defining moments. Like the point guard in Slam Dunk said when they tasted their first defeat(in jap of course), "having tasted defeat once is enough already."

I don't like failing, who does? The feeling is just plain crappy and can last from days to months. And than all that reflection, the scenes running over and over again through your mind, even when you just don't want to think about it. Sucks big time. But than, unfortuantely, we need failing to grow. Or in some cases, a failure or defeat or whatever will just shock you. Or you will just realise, "hey I'm still not good enough" and go about improving more.

I always like to imagine a scene of the hero falling down and have all sorts of injuries all over his body but he gets up and keep moving forward. Just push yourself eh. Whatever happened is past and over. Reflect, realise and improve. Of course reality is much more harder and harsher. So whatever happens, learn to laugh at yourself and all tat. And never be afraid of making the same mistake again, otherwise you will be so scared you won't dare to do anything anymore.

- end of "Note to Self" - down but not out.

top of the world

2006-03-07T17:10:00.000+08:00

everyone wants to be happy, to feel like they are at the top of the world. I love music. Actually, I love anything that frees you for even a moment, bringing you to another world, that happy feeling. Of course, I am against illegal addictives. Cos you are not in control, and quite frankly for that sort of high, you gotten pay a price. Its like trading with the devil.

Anyway, I was saying about highness. Things that liberates you? Or at least those things that you love to do. I'm just glad I can watch, hear, feel. I cannot imagine wat will happen if I go totally blind or deaf or numb to the world - the feeling is beyond hell itself.

And the more depressing reality is, and it is quite utterly downright depressing. REMIND myself - and thank god for things likes books, films and music. So whatever happens, I still have to wake up and if possible, face the world with a smile. :)

(Tis post is due to the intoxicating effect too much good music has done to the writer's brain. Yeah!!!)